Bespeckled broads across America can thank Sarah Palin for at least one thing: making eyewear fashionable. So, thanks, Sarah, for making glasses chic for chickos. This occurred to me as I drove home from my local Sears this morning. I chose Sears to renew my three year-old prescription and get new eye windows because a friend swore they were CHEAP! Cheap cost me more than $400 for two pairs and I’m still left with an old “distance” prescription yet to be updated into something more…Sarah Palinish.
So, I have, stuffed in my purse, cluttering my dashboard and strewn about my desk, currently, THREE pairs of glasses – two new, one old. Growing’ up in the sixties there could be just about nothing worse than being called “FOUR EYES!” So, driving home, thinking about Sarah and her contribution to contemporary facial fashion -- making four eyes cool -- I realized I am now a…TWELVE EYES!
You see, I had the most thorough eye exam by a meticulous optometrist named Dr. Bartek. This man got it. He understood why I ran screaming back to Lens Crafters five years ago -- newly divorced… I’ll add for drama’s sake. I was not having any of those bifocal-ly things in my glasses. I’d look ahead and see fine, look down and peer through coke bottle bottoms. Those were supposed to help me see better? I just quit wearing the dang thangs. Altogether. The gentle doc did not scold me for this transgression. No, he understood.
The kind doctor explained I have a moderate astigmatism so I don’t do bi-focals (thank you, very much) and I don’t do the fancy-smancy new thingy called graduated lenses. Actually the fancy-smancy would’ve saved me cash if I could’ve worn them. As it is…I’m a TWELVE EYES now.
One pair of gargantuan Ray Bans to protect this mid-life mamma from developing more, err, wrinkles around the eyes. No! We don’t want more of that! And then, these cutesy little purplely numbers that are helping me see this as I write, and I hope will eliminate the annoying daily neck, shoulder and headaches that had driven me to start consuming BC Powders, of all things.
And then, when I get paid (I’ll accept donations here anytime…my daughter’s web designer’s configuring paypal right this moment) I will ring up Sears and get some truly Sarah Palinesque-style specs. I don’t care for the woman’s politics, but gotta love her…four eyes. Us Democrats always have to try to one-up the Rebublicans. So, Sarah, hon, (wink, wink) I gotcha beat! I’ve got TWELVE EYES. Yep, that’s right. YOU, BETCHA! (Air kiss.) Thanks, sweetie, for the fashion inspiration. (Hugs!)
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